MissLillianPetal

I went to an evening which all the others had been involved in a seminar for the day and felt terribly out of it – hence the fish in the title – they all were discussing and talking about stuff I didn’t even know what it was about. Now I thought that I had become more evolved but no thats not the case. I think I have even gone backwards a few steps. Maybe three forward and four back…this isn’t a great place to be.

Is it my mind, am I incapable of learning new tricks or am I the old dog who just can’t get it. The emails come in I read them and then file them and then totally forget what I’ve read. I don’t seem to be able to keep the information uppermost in my head. Why is this – I think it may be that I am going senile and havn’t noticed or maybe I just don’t think the way I used to – or better still I’m just not getting the vibes the undercurrent nor reading what is around me on this earth…its gone my instincts have disappeared and I’m flapping about like the old fish out of water. The nearest puddle of water is far too far away to flap to.

Yesterday felt like I was in another universe not this world at all. It was so not enlightening to listen to these guys chatter and not even know what the hell was going on. Maybe it was the noise in the bar, maybe I have lost my communication skills, maybe I’m just to bloody old or maybe I need a refresher course in being real. Now by this I mean getting into the moment and networking and using the few skills I have to obtain information. Now the silly thing is will I remember it….once upon a time I would hear or see something once and it would stick, now its a case of being in or on the same plane as everyone else. I just felt out of it….omg!

Have I let the world slip from around me or has the world just changed so much I’m no longer part of it? What to do about all of this, wow maybe I need to rethink my entire personality my entire being and how I learn – where is that paradime shift when you need it? Gone walkabouts……

A realisation like this one makes you think deeply about where you are coming from and indeed where you are going…I’m not sure there is a going at all I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp and can’t move either way. This isn’t a very comfortable place to be. I feel insecure and vulnerable and stupid…yes totally all of those and throw in a couple more for good measure.

Why do I feel so out of it? Is it always like this when you get older? I have felt lately that I have turned into my mother – mmm – always thought I would know what cars were on the road look at them driving past and have no idea what or who manufactured them let alone know the make, model etc. Also figures like Toyota having to recall eight million cars makes me shake…what the hell happened, did a computer somewhere hiccup? Was this a human fault – is my little old Toyota going to get a mind of its own jump motorway barriers – I am not being flippent about those who have had accidents and all the harrowing stuff associated with this recall but why did it happen in the first place. Now down to the nitty gritty was it a design fault – actually I don’t really care but just the enormity of it is too hard to handle. Maybe I should start wearing a paper bag over my head and just stay home and not venture out at all….don’t know that this might help either but its a start.

Lets get agoraphobic again and stay put….used the spell check for the large word in this sentence and don’t even know if its the right one they gave me 5 different words to choose from and I picked the one that looks the most likely. This is what I mean you get a red line under a word and then you can check if its right or not….heaven help me my old teacher at my school would be mortified we did spelling from a book and wrote down the words didn’t have red lines or multi choices – see its doing it again for me…go away I’d rather not spell properly it just makes me feel stupid again….

One amazing thing happened this last week I won a competition to go to a day seminar on writing which is the first thing I have won in 20 years and also an expansion for my brain…will put on 10 alarms so I get there on time and ensure I take copious notes and then try and remember what the hell happened afterwards. Its about ‘is there a book in you’….well probably half a dozen at least but they may not be publishable nor readable as my blatherings seem to be getting less and less understandable to me let alone readable. Don’t even think they can be called blateriings think more likely ramblings of a mentally challenged women. This is so hard I feel like I got left behind a brick wall this week and I don’t have a chisel or anything to cut through it…maybe its just panic….lets hope so. Goodness me, blatherings doesn’t exist in the spell check, maybe it isn’t a word after all……

Think its time for much more constructive things other than typing like a loony toon and saying/typing whatever comes into my head.

Bottom line is – where to from here? Do I have the capacity to actually survive in the world today, or am I outdated, outmoded and out of my brain? Lets see how next week goes.

Oh yes, next week the lovely operation (number 1 of 2) I trust this time they actually do the work and I come out tidier and more lucid after a long time under anesthetic or have an epiphany whilst under and come out a new person….omg that would be great.

See you all again soon.   If  I can get another million or so words out of my brain, think that might be the cause of all of this – too much in the head half of which should go down like a hard drive? Appropriate I feel – just get rid of the superflous and then add new and improved to move on…..

The photograph today is of Rupert my Rhino made of pottery – he used to be black but I changed his colour scheme last year to white and gold….he is extremely heavy and been with me for over 35 years.